I knew there was a good reason I hate children

I have been unable to work for the last 4 weeks.
I had an accident and couldn't drive
I came off my bicycle and broke my hand. In 7 places.
I was cycling along a path in the park when I espied a 3 yr old girl on a pink bike coming towards me.
Being a considerate soul I moved over to the opposite side of the path to let her ride by unobstructed.

All well and good. Here's where it went tits up!

As we drew level this Damien-like spawn of Satan suddenly turned in front of me and, pedalling furiously, caused me, Billie Whitelaw-like, to unbalance and go base over apex over the handlebars onto the grass. As I landed heavily on my left hand I heard the crack of splintering bones.
An hour in hospital and I re-emerged into the warm evening with plaster up to my elbow and a hand the size of a sledge hammer!
However, the good news is the plaster comes off tomorrow and I will be back working soon after
I stll hate children!

Update 31/1/12 - My hand, though still undergoing weekly physiotherapy, is good enough for me to work. I can drive so that is all I need. I apologise to all the venues I had to cancel during October and November.

Missing the blooming obvious!

Somethings leave me speechless (or they should do!)
Today I was walking in town, in civvies (i.e. no frock. Well, a face of makeup is wasted on the Tesco checkout girl!). As I went past a little stationers I noticed a pigeon in the window.
I know, I know, a bird in the bush etc.
Now this pigeon had, somehow, got into the shop and was trapped in the window display.
As I stopped to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me, the owner came out, saw I was taking an interest and uttered the immortal words 'Are you into birds?'
Well, my flabber has never been so gasted! Surely, after all these years, I can't possibly look straight. Or maybe he thought I looked like a lesbian
Whichever, I was affronted and minced off as camply as I could!

Off stage hilarity

Sometimes, despite my best efforts, the funniest things happen away from the audience.
Last weekend I was booked to do a hen night in a very nice venue in an even nicer part of the country.
Once I had set up and unpacked I still had plenty of time before I needed to start the mammoth task that is putting on enough makeup to fool an audience that I am a sophisticated woman of the world
I was standing chatting to the organiser when one of his regular customers popped her head round the door and asked if she could reserve a table. As she walked in I could see that she was a dwarf. The organiser asked her how many seats she needed. She said seven.
I nearly wet myself!!
And then almost cried because I realised I could not use that material onstage
I never deliberately cause offence and that would have. Shame!

Inappropriate bookings

Most times I get booked either for a full Ladies' Night with strippers (my favourite to work) or an Adult Cabaret Night. The common factor in both these types of bookings is the word ADULT. I am an ADULT act, I am not suitable for under 18's

In recent years, probably due to many families seeing drag acts in Benidorm, Tenerife and such places, I have had to stress to Agents and direct bookers the ADULT nature of my act.

A few months ago I was approached by one of my regular Agents (and I place no blame on him) regarding a potential booking at a High School Prom! The brief was that I was to do a cabaret spot and mix 'n' mingle with a room of 16-17 yr olds! I turned the booking down as I consider my act to be totally inappropriate for that age range.

Imagine my reaction when the very same booking was offered to me by a different Agent a week later. Having turned that down as well I was offered it again from a third source.

I was reminded of this again this week when I was again offered a booking from several sources that I had turned down as inappropriate.

I sometimes despair of the adults who think it is acceptable to subject youngsters to an ADULT, BLUE cabaret act.