Me and my big mouth - part 1

Many times when funny, odd or even outrageous things happen on a gig, I want to share them with friends. I do wish sometimes I could wait til an appropriate time to pass on my experiences.

A few years back I was booked to do a New Year's Eve gig in a tatty back street pub in Nottingham. Exactly the type of venue I go down well in!

When I arrived I spoke to the landlady, a classy lady with, unsurprisingly, less than a full mouthful of teeth. Small and feisty, this sophisticated chav proceeded to introduce me to her extended family including her current shag and her 17 yr old daughter. The daughter couldn't have been more unlike her mother; hefty, unwashed and loud, she was inappropriately dressd in a tiny tatty denim skirt and flimsy top slashed almost to the waist.

When I walked onstage it was to find that the daughter was sitting in the front row; legs akimbo and proudly displaying the fact that she was freshly shaved and wearing only the flimsiest of thongs, leaving nothing to the imagination!

This was bad enough but I swear it winked at me. Repeatedly!

So, it was at this point of the story, as I related it to a friend recently while on Leicester Market, that a little old lady standing beside me piped up and said 'Oh I hate it when they wink at you'

To this day I have no idea exactly how much of the conversation she had heard. Not much I hope.

My missing Mojo

Since I started back at work after my operations I have felt less than comfortable on stage. This has been down to several things; the vast amounts of medication I have been on, worries about whether my hip(s) would collapse under me and the pain that driving long distances caused me.
Last time I had hip surgery it took a few months to start getting back into the swing of things. That time it was complicated by the fact that as fast as one hip improved the other deteriorated. This time was different in that I already had a good hip to lean on, so to speak.
Now I am finally off medication and things are returning to normal (well, normal for me).
A couple of weeks ago everything suddenly fell back into place and my old stage persona was back with a vengeance. I was working down south when, at half time, the owner of the venue came up and said that 6 people had walked out complaining that I had insulted and outraged them and wanted their money back. Hurrah! I thought, this is the old Pariss back in the saddle. The owner, apparently, told them to f*** off and personally escorted them from the building!

Back on stage

Well, this weekend saw my first gig back with two new hips!!
A big thanks to the lovely people of Great Yarmouth for making the evening such fun and so easy, despite my stage fright. This happened last time I returned to work.
The first gig I was paralysed with stage fright and almost gave the money back and went home. This time was far less severe and I just got very stressed and had the shakes for the entire show. I know that next time I will be back to my normal slick, self.
So, people, beware the acid tongue of Pariss is back! One lad at the weekend was especially tongue-lashed - but I think he enjoyed the attention.

Recovery

Well, it has been two months since my second new hip and I am well on the road to recovery. This weekend marks my first gig since the operation and then it is full steam ahead through the summer. All I need to do is spend a couple of days at home getting used to walking in high heels and I will be ready for the road again!
I seem to have recovered much faster this time, and been less immobilised.
When the NHS is under almost continual pressure to improve with less money I have to say they have never been less than perfect in my last couple of visits for surgery.

Another year, another hip!

It's all good news!
I am well on the road to full health with my second new hip. I shall now start being billed as the Million Dollar Woman!
This time round the recovery has been much quicker, the hospital time was much shorter and I have been on less painkillers.
I still haven't smoked since October 2008 so I feel I am well over sucking on inanimate objects!!
I will be back available for bookings from 1st May so if you want 7 foot of outrageous costumes and a sharp tongue to entertain you, get in touch